Decompressing

We've gone to visit Jamie in ICU both yesterday and today, leaving here in the afternoon and leaving her room between 9 & 10 to arrive back at home between 11 & 12.

I thought i wanted to do an update post tonight but I think I need to process longer. Or maybe I just need sleep.

It's just very disturbing to witness a loved one like that. Tubes and wire and restraints. Beeps and whirs and clicks and sighs and hums non-stop.

I will update to this extent: she opened her eyes for us. she recognized us; she communicated wants and needs by mouthing words and nodding yes or no. she cried silent tears, was asked if she was in pain and she shook her head no so we ran down a list of possible wrongnesses and she kept shaking her head no until finally my sister Carri asked Are you just happy to see us. And we got a vigorous nod.

She asks for her purse, her cell phone, something to write with. We can't accommodate the first two but Carri finds a pen and small notepad in her bag. Jamie tries to write what she had been trying to say. It looks like a toddler's scribble.

She keeps asking for the restraints on her hands to be removed but she can't yet be trusted not to pull out the respirator tube so it would be life threatening for her to have her hands free. That breaks our hearts. She asked repeatedly to go home. Our hearts hurt when we have to say Not yet.

On our way out the door at 9:30 I showed her the bookmark I was crocheting for her off and on all day. She mouthed Pretty. I told her it was for her, the one she had asked for for her birthday in May. She wanted red and pink. I had already made several in those colors and was going to let her choose one and direct me how to dress it when I saw her in person on my trip. But yesterday I decided to start a new one, making up a new pattern of rows so it will be unique. It has red, white and two shades of pink and is about a third done. Would have been more but I kept making mistakes and having to take out rows and rows and getting my four strands of thread tangled.

We're going again tomorrow afternoon and I'm going to take my netbook so I can maybe prepare a post during one of the times they kick us out of the room. I took it yesterday but never got it out until we were in the car on the way home when I discovered I couldn't control the mouse in a moving car so I just watched news pods. I decided not to take it today but then wished I had when my sister was able to access the web with her mini touchscreen device from the waiting room.

But first I really need to get at least eight hours of sleep if I can and to do that I need to start heading towards that goal soon. This is going to be a long haul.

I wish I fit inside a pillowcase.