Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts

Sunday, November 05, 2023

Meet Mr. Merryweather Giggles -- Sunday Serenity

 

Mr Merryweather Giggles
and My New Glider Rocker


My caregiver, Laura, took me to the Habitat for Humanity thrift store last Thursday.  I was looking for a deep glass baking dish for casseroles, hopefully blue.  I left with so much more than I knew I wanted before walking in those doors.  The two things I've gotten the most joy out of in the last several days is the glider rocker and the blue rooster.

I dreamed of having my own glider rocker since the first time I sat in one back before I married while on a babysitting job.  But it was never to be.  Until now.  As soon as I saw it, I had to sit down in it and instantly all the hullabaloo of sensory overload such a place as a thrift store imparts was dampened by the gentle glide.  I was instantly serene.

Before I could quite assimilate to this sensation tho, Laura exclaimed saying "You have to see this."  and disappeared because one step takes her out of my limited visual field.  But she was back in seconds and setting something into my arms that nearly filed them and I thought it must be a doll because the first thing I got focused on was the real toddler shoes.  Tracking up from the shoes towards the expected baby doll face I found instead the rooster and started giggling.

Laura knew I'd get a kick out of it as it was a form of fiber art and it was my colors which is any shade of blue.  I marveled at the handiwork.  Someone had put a lot of loving care into the project.  Eventually tho I had to hand it back to her to put back on the shelf and found myself saddened by it.  But we had to get with it as in about 90 minutes Laura had to clock out with me safely back at home.

I found my blue casserole dish and several other glass baking dishes, some of which would work in the toaster and/or microwave as well.  I found several DVD, a hand painted snowman ornament and a decorative wooden treasure chest.  I'd laid claim to the rocker as soon as I stood up from it and someone whisked it out back for us to pick it up after we checked out.

It wasn't until we were checking out that I decided I couldn't leave without the rooster as well.  I was still grinning and giggling in my heart every time it crossed my mind that whole hour.  So I told Laura and she went back to fetch it.

By bringing home the rocker though I had to give up my rolling office chair.  As soon as Laura brought the rocker inside she rolled the office chair out and packed it in her van so she could run it over to Habitat for Humanity the following day.  I miss being able to wheel up and down my 8ft piecemeal desk and swiveling side to side but it's worth it.  So far. 

I've got a small rug upside down under it so that it slides on the floor. Just not while I'm sitting in it. This allows me to position it in front of the section of desk I want to use or to position it facing either the TV or the front window and then roll or slide the section of desk I need in front of it.  It takes a little extra work to set up for a project but it is functioning and so much more comfortable for extended sessions.


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Monday, August 16, 2021

Sunday Serenity: Wallowing in Gratitude

 

My Happy Place Became My Wallowing Place

After encountering some grief grenades last week followed up by heat whammies and exacerbated by incipient blisters across the bottoms of both feet forcing me to stay off them for several days, I've spent the last ten or more days in a wallow.  With the lights out and the windows and blinds shut tight to lessen the heat impact, it would still top 90 degrees by late afternoon with the fan on high.  I could never open up the windows until after sundown and most nights the air outside did not start to feel cooler than the air inside until midnight.  So after several weeks of go, go, go related to the move, I was suddenly forced to put the brakes on and wait for the red light to change.

The books I read for the read-a-thon last weekend provided the grief grenades and without the distraction of the physical labor of the moving tasks, I had to sit with the feelings in the dark.  Those feelings started to taint the feelings of joy the move and been generating with the sadness of missing Ed and not being able to share my joy with him.

I tried and for the most part succeeded in distracting myself from the grief for periods of time with videos, video games, or ebooks and audio books on devices that did not generate heat. Or even sleeping.  But several times at seemingly random intervals when I was completely entranced by what I was doing--or even asleep--I would be slammed by a sudden vivid memory that transported me into a 3D movie with soundtrack of a moment in time that took place in Ed's apartment during one of our sleepovers. 

This happened at least half a dozen times before I realized the train was always blowing its whistle and rumbling past as it often did when I spent time at Ed's whose apartment was just a few blocks from where I now live.  

After I figured out the trigger, the memories continued to be delivered by the train's passing but they started feeling like gifts rather than gut punches.  They were all from the time before things fell apart again, during the height of the hope in late 2019 and early 2020 when he had been sober for months.  I realized I had been burying those memories as if what had happened later had invalidated them and thus they generated feelings of shame in myself for 'falling for false hope' yet again.

I've decided that is the wrong attitude because it has me second guessing hope on principle and hope is a necessary component of serenity, faith and joy.  And once my thoughts started down this path I eventually stepped into gratitude and regained a healthier perspective on several of the dark thoughts I'd been wallowing in. 

Like:

The Shelves I Built with my Britanica Great Books Set in Place

So what if 95% of my books are still over at Mom's.  I built those shelves and they are still here and my favorite set of books is showing off their glittery spines.  

Don't look at what isn't there yet but rather at what is.


The Blue Shelf Unit I Built Displaying My Crafts

So what if the beautiful blue shelf unit I built out of the parts of two units and then spent hours lovingly organizing, is now going to have to be broken down into two smaller units to make room for the couch being delivered later this week.  

The couch is necessary and beautiful too and once I have it I won't have to sleep on the floor anymore.


My Desk with a Mr. Roger's Neighborhood View

So what if my desk is still jerry--rigged with boards across cardboard boxes.  It has the beautiful and serene view I've always dreamed of having for my writing station.

So what if I have to keep the blinds and window tight shut on hot days.  That is temporary.

Pantry Cupboard 1


So what if it is too hot to cook my favorite meals this week.  I have a full pantry, fridge and freezer because I have a caregiver that took me shopping and a sister who did a Cosco stock up for me and a community that provided food stamps and commodities.

Fridge and Freezer


So I have plenty of food available that doesn't need cooking....

Pantry Cupboard 2

...and plenty more available just waiting for the cooler days when anything is possible.

My Aqua Baking Pan Set


And meanwhile I have the toaster oven and microwave.  And four of the pans in my beautiful new bakeware set fit in the toaster oven for those nights it cools down enough well before midnight to wake up my ambitions along with my appetite.






So what if most of the work I put into making my wallow comfortable and functional for the duration of the heat and blistered feet will have to be undone or reworked.  It was not wasted effort as I had begun to bemoan but rather lessons in what works for a specific set of circumstances and proof that I can create cozy and functional spaces designed to see me safely through a specific episode.

I'm going to miss this cozy nest as it now exists but what happens next is not loss...just change. 

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Sunday, August 16, 2020

Sunday Serenity - Sads & Hugs - LOLcat Therapy - ROW80 Check-in

 

Yooz doing it alls wrong
visit and vote it up :)

So, I used to illustrate my posts with LOLcats.  Some made by others but mostly made by me.  I would spend hours on the cheezeburger.com site choosing pics and captioning them.  The antics of kittens and babies were my secret joys.  I treated them like mood medicine.  Then our Merlin crossed the rainbow bridge in 2014 and it just made me too sad to hang out there.  I just recently started dabbling on the site again and made this LOLcat for a post I had in mind but before I got that post ready, I got an email from cheezeburger.com informing me that my creation had been voted up to the front page. 

I was almost embarrassed at what a silly delight I took in that news.  But I so needed a dose of delight as for the first time in many months my mood had been tanking.  I was in the middle of trying to figure out if this was just something I needed to ride out or did I need to consult with my Rx nurse about going back on the meds.  I was pretty sure it was the former.  I was pretty sure it was partly related to all the #metoo dreck I was digging up while journaling and partly related to passing the second month-a-versary of the day I broke up with my husband and having never yet cried about it.

Then there was the fact I had been fudging on my sleep requirements big time every since Mom got home from the hospital. So until I'd tried putting that right again and finding it didn't set things back on an even keel I would not resort to putting my feelings back in a chemical straitjacket.  

The real problem was that in one way or another since infancy my feelings and I were divorced from one another.  Some of it due to the way autism made it difficult to identify emotions.  If you can't name them you can't claim them. If you don't own them they will own you.  But a great deal of it was due to the rules about emotions created by my parents' parenting style and that was all mixed up with the strictures on expressive behaviors created by the churchcult I was raised in.

I'd reached these insights in the process of journaling and was hanging on in anticipation of my weekly phone appointment with my counselor.  But then the Internet and some of the phone systems in our area went down for twelve hours Thursday and I not only lost the emotional anchor of my fifty minute phone chat with my counselor but I lost access to the ROW80 support community, missing my midweek checkin rounds because I'd been sick on Wednesday and was in the middle of prepping my checkin post Thursday morning when we lost the Inernet.

Then Thursday night during my part of Mom's bedtime routine as I was about to shut out the light and take her water bottle back to the bathroom, she started trying to say something.  'You need.....You need...You need...... Awwwwrgh!'  She said.  And repeated a version of it three more times before I asked if there was something I forgot to do as I went over in my mind : set the bed position, start the bed vibrator, supervise drink of water, speak the goodnight ritual.  Everything accounted for.  

In order to ask my question I'd taken several steps back towards her as we'd already taken her hearing aides so I couldn't just stand in the door to converse with her.  Suddenly I found my right wrist gripped by her strong left hand and my arm being pulled inexorably toward her face.

What the...

And then she said 'Hug....Hug...Hug...'  funny how her speech efforts tend to come in threes when she is struggling to get a stubborn word past the aphasia bulwark.

'Oh!'  I exclaimed.  'You need a hug!'

'No.'  she said emphatically.  'You need...You need.  You need...'

'Oh.  You think I need a hug?'

'Yes!  Yes!.  You need....hug.'

I let her pull me in and found my face pressed between her face and shoulder as she reached her left arm over my back and pulled me all the way down.  That's when my eyes first started stinging.  But I got through the rest of the lights out ritual before they did any more than shine a bit.  I got all the way back to my desk before tears started falling.and my face started feeling like melted wax.

Now the hug has become part of the lights out ritual and so has the tearing up. And melted wax face.

Until today though the associated emotions were relegated to Mom's bedtime routine and for fifteen to thirty minutes after.  But today they started up over my morning coffee and had nothing to do with thoughts about Mom or bedtime.  I think the mood came from whatever I was dreaming about when my alarm went off but I can't remember anything about it.  I also think it has happened fairly frequently of late that I wake up in a mood rooted in a dream I can't remember but usually I"m able to deflect my attention on to one of the many distracting activities--crochet, reading, research, sorting projects both virtual and physical, social media, writing, videos, video games, podcasts, audio books, music.  

The thing about that list is there are few things on it that don't depend on vision to at least get it started and with my eyes tearing up uncontrollably I can't see well enough to unlock my screens to access the aps where even the audio only activities reside.  I do have video and audio books on non-computer devices but if I don't already have a DVD, CD or talking book cassette locked and loaded and the device plugged in or otherwise set up so that I don't need my eyes to prepare it for use... Well I'm afloat on a mood sea with nothing to deflect the crashing waves.

The moodiness this morning was accompanied by restlessness and I had no safe way to discharge that.  Besides I'd woken with a deep ache in my right hip that had me limping and I was hoping that there was nothing more to it than having slept wrong on it.  If so it would dissipate if I could 'walk' it off.  But as I said there was no safe place for that.  

Except my mini-tramp.  But altho I'd finally cleared it off during the big sort while Mom was away for three weeks in July, I'd begun setting things 'out of the way' on it again within a week of her homecoming.

I realized that having been 'sheltering in place' since mid March I'd not been out of the house but twice since (once to retrieve my stuff from my husband's apartment and once to fetch a Joann.com order) I knew I was at as much risk as my Mom post-stroke of loosing muscle mass and joint lubrication if I didn't establish a better exercise routine.  I decided that clearing my mini-tramp off again, decluttering my desk and craft table and setting up my LOC talking book machine and my DVD/CD player within easy reach of one or more of those locations would be my project this morning.

I finished in time to spend five or so minutes swaying and gently bouncing with one hand on the wall for balance before time to fix Mom's lunch.  I discovered that there is something about that activity that is going to encourage not deflect the tears.  I had a difficult time getting Mom's tray ready.  I had to keep leaving the kitchen to go in the hallway or bathroom to wipe my eyes or face and neck and get control back.

The whole time I'm wondering.  Is this simply too long repressed sadness?  Or am I just feeling sorry for myself.  The answer is important because apparently sad is an legit human emotion and naming and claiming it is necessary for emotional health.  But 'feeling sorry for myself' well that is loaded with shaming messages.  

How is one to tell the difference?

Well it's about time to start dinner so I better post this as I won't get another chance until Mom's in bed between nine and ten.

The writing challenge that
 knows you have a life

2020 Round 3 ROW80 goals check-in:


Sleep 7.5 hours Daily Minimum --  Unsatisfactory effort
Move/Breathe/Meditate 15 min Daily minimum  -- Satisfactory effort
Storydreaming with note-taking tools at hand. 15 min Daily Minimum -- This is a technique I learned from Robert Olen Butler in the book From Where You Dream. -- Unsatisfactory
Read Fiction 30 min Daily Average --  Above and beyond
Read/Study Craft 15 min Daily Average --  Above and beyond
Social network activities 30 min Daily Minimum (writing Joystory posts doesn't count only social reaching out like reading/commenting on other blogs, guest posts and posting to fb, twitter, pinterest etc) -- something I've a strong resistance to.  --  Above and beyond
30 min Daily minimum engagement with a scavenger hunt though all my creative writing files including Joystory looking for better than shitty first draft scenes, sections, stories, poems and essays and edit, organize and make hard copies. --  Unsatisfactory
* To prep for self-pub: Gather all my poems into a single Scrivener file. Minimum one poem per day until all accounted for.  Adding new ones encouraged. --   Unsatisfactory
Personal Journaling 45 min or 1000 words whichever come first Daily Minimum -- This is the heart of the writing challenge.  The preceding provides the structure and the nutrients that nurtures and honors the work which I've learned over time must exist to ensure that this becomes more than just dabbling.  --  Unsatisfactory

For an explanation and links to backstory see the ROW80/Camp NaNo Goals post.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Finishing Joy

Crochet Bag for Travel Blanket

Earlier this month my sister asked me if I had any pink yarn or thread in my stash. 

Well, duh, yeah. 

With several individuals on my potential giftee list having affinity for either pastels in general or the pink/red spectrum, I had accumulated some.  Not quite as much as the blue which is mine and Mom's favorite or the purple which is Carri's but still a significant selection.

She was asking because she'd bought a travel blanket for a friend on discount that was missing the carry bag it was supposed to come with.  Carri showed me her own travel blanket in its bag and asked if it was feasible to crochet a carry bag for it and about how long it would take and how much I might charge her for it.  She was hoping to see this out-of-town friend in person sometime in May.

I spent the next couple hours pulling my stash bags out from under my craft table and going thru them looking for possible yarn and thread in shades of pink or colorways featuring pink.  After dinner that evening I had Carri look them over and she settled on the Lion Brand Cobo in Magenta which was very close in color to the blanket itself.  It was a good choice for its fiber content of cotton and bamboo blend.

Before I went to bed that night I had crocheted the bottom circle and the first two rows of the tube.  The bottom took me several false starts before I got the right starting number of stitches in the center so that it continued to lay flat until it reached the required six inches across.  Turned out to be twelve.

The next morning I added several rows of the mesh--double crochet, single chain, double crochet--before I was needed for Mom's shower.  I showed it to Carri and told her then that instead of cash I wanted her to take me yarn shopping at a discount store she had messaged me photos from last summer and to one of the branches of the Fort Vancouver library system where I could sign up for a card and for having items mailed to me because of my disabilities preventing me from traveling to pick them up in Woodland. 

Both excursions would have to wait until after the need for quarantine on behalf of Mom is past.  That might be longer than the official shelter-in-place protocols remain in place since our 88 year-old mother is extremely vulnerable to the effects of the virus.

By Wednesday evening, May 6, I had finished it, including all the finishing touches like tucking tails and adding the elastic headband for a drawstring.  That was five days since I began after dinner on Friday and finished shortly after dinner on Wednesday. 

Little to no work got done on either Saturday or Tuesday as those are Mom's shower days for which I'm on duty in the bathroom with her for three hours followed by another two hours making and supervising lunch.  That means it could easily be a three day project. Even less if I super focused. But that super focus is a power of mine I must use with care as it tends to push out all other activities from my life--reading, writing, researching, videos, socializing, chores, self-care, eating, sleeping...

I was eager to start another one or two or three for myself.  I pictured them as carry bags for crochet project kits that will hang on my wrist while I work.  Or as bags with shoulder straps for my coffee and water thermoses.

But I knew I needed to rein in that urge as I've got dozens of WIP.  In fact the bags containing WIP are beginning to rival in volume the bags containing unkitted yarn and thread--somewhere in the neighborhood of 66 gallons each. 

I've been working steadily at finishing projects since I began the holiday rush last fall and resisting starting anything new until I finish a significant number of them.

The real story here is that of the thrill I got from starting and finishing one project inside of a week.  It felt so exhilarating I even asked myself is Joy actually experiencing joy? 

If so, I concluded, I  needed to finish more projects more often.  Then it occurred to me that I had enough projects scattered among my WIP bags with from under an hour to under six hours of work to complete that I could finish something every day for a month or more.  Starting with this large trash bag containing things I crocheted for myself and never got around to tucking the tails and other finishing touches like buttons, bows, belts, tassels etc.




Contained in this bag is also a few things that I didn't make myself including kit bags that need minor repair but it is over 80% yarn and thread crochet WIP.  Sitting in Mom's recliner it takes up significantly more room than her torso and head.

Instead of starting a finish one a day agenda tho I decided to return to the project I'd interrupted to do the bag for Carri's friend.  That was a sweater identical to the one I made Mom for Christmas for her friend who lives with my brother's family where Mom spent weekends before the quarantine protocols kicked in. 

We had implemented shelter-in-place on account of our elderly Mom in mid March about a week before our Governor Inslee instituted it statewide.  And about two weeks after I'd targeted the sweater for Mom's friend as my next focus.  I'd hoped to have it finished by the end of March.  I just finished it a few days ago. 

I backed off crochet in April in favor of reading and discovered or re-discovered another old thrill:  finishing novels in less than a week after starting them.  In fact after I'd collected a significant number of finished titles across my devices and reading aps I set about counting them and discovered there were over fifty titles and the ratio of fiction to NF was better than three to one.  But that's a topic for another post.

Shortly after the read-a-thon in April though I began to gravitate back to crochet for a bit most every day with the focus on that sweater for Mom's friend and I knew that I needed to keep my focus on that until it was done because focus for me is a fragile thing.

Yes, fragile.  in spite of having just described it as nearly a super power of mine.  The fragility is in keeping the balance between flitting like a butterfly from shiny object to shiny object creating WIP and other clutter that takes over my space and the hyper-focus that can take over my life like bindweed a yard.  The difference is between owning the focus and being owned by it.  This issue is part of my autism spectrum profile.

But when I finished it the other day, including tucking the tails just hours after taking the last stitch, and handed it over to my sister to be laundered she informed me that she had just done the gentle cycle load so it could be a week or more before there would be enough items to warrant another load.

When I suggested Mom's sweater also needed washing since I'd been using it as the pattern, had handled it a lot and dropped it on the floor where it picked up fuzzies and who knows what all else, she said the two together would balance the load so she might consider it but I told her to hold off a couple days while I collected nearly finished WIP with similar fiber content to see how many of those I could add to the load inside of a week..

Last night I handed over three hats and three scarves after about three hours of effort.  All of them I'd made for myself.  Several of them I'd been wearing without having tucked the tails; even with the stitch savers still protecting the last stitch.

I decided to wait until they were all back from the laundry before getting pictures.

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Friday, January 01, 2016

Putting the 'MOVE' in 2016

Peacock--the symbol of 'joy' in India.


This is my third year participating in One Word, an alternative to New Year's resolutions.  I kept 2014's word thru 2015 mostly because 2013 was more than half gone when I signed up but also because I felt I still needed so much work on that issue.  The same is true now so I was tempted to stick with 'joy' for another year.  But I decided instead to find a word to focus on that contributes to or is a component of 'joy' for me.  As of late last this week I'd narrowed it down to a handful of possibilities: accomplish, spontaneity, passion, breathe, belong and home.

While talking via vid chat with my husand the other day he asked if he could make a suggestion.  There was a word, he said that fit the criteria of being a component/contributer to 'joy' in his opinion and it was something he wants to encourage me to include in my life plus it could be said to subsume all six of my possible words:

MOVE

accomplish = move toward my goals
spontaneity = move on a whim
breathe = moving air in and out of my lungs via exercise or meditation
passion = the energizing emotion that 'moves' one to act on desires
belong = to acquire my longed for sense of 'belonging' requires me to move out of my comfort zone
home = to move back 'home' which is not a building but wherever my husband is and to live with him and be homemakers together again that is my top priority for the year as it has been for two years running.

I will be doing a followup post or posts to explain the meaninfulness of each of those six words.  But one more thing I can say that is true of each of them (besides contribuing to 'joy' and involving some kind of movement) is that they each represent a particular challenge related to how the autism spectrum manifests in me.

My diagnosis in September has been both disconcerting and a relief.  Why it was disconcerting is probably obvious--it would throw any fifty-something for a loop.  But a relief?  well after several months of reading, research and processing of information and emotions I realized that so many of my shortcomings are not character flaws, were never about will power.  Many otheres were imaginary based on unrealistic images of unattainable perfection.  And yet others were never shortcomings in the first place.

Now that I've had time to process the diagnosis I'm starting to sense a direction in which to move in order to accommodate this reality.  I'm hoping that means I will be ready to blog more regulary again.  And not just about autism/Aspberger's but about all the things I used to blog about: reading, writing, research, videos, music, fiber art, crafts, LOLs, ideas, spiritual path and Joy's story.  And let's not forget words!


Best Boy
by Eli Gottlieb
My first book of the year i Best Boy by Eli Gottlieb.  it was one of the titles that came up when I put autism in a search box.  It was one of the few novels I found that way and I'm very interested in seeing how autism is represented in fiction.

I've not finished it yet so this is not a review and I'm adding this commentary as a post script to this post because of the 'First Book of the Year' meme at Sheila's Book Journey.  A bit of a last minute thing as it isn't even still January 1st where Shelia lives.

I also added it to this post instead of in a separate post because images from the story kept intruding as I was writing about 'move' above.  I realized that the narrator/protagonist in Best Boy, a man in his fifties who'd been committed to an institution at age 11 after his autism diagnosis, had been on the move from page one.  He was moving both physically and emotionally, including in both cases outside his comfort zones.  He was moving into new social circles and he even moved off the compound property (ran away) and walked the highways toward 'home' his single minded goal.  The courage he exhibits through all this is amazing and something I aspire to.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Breaking the Ice and Sticking in the Oar (ROW80 Round 2 GOALS)

Wordcloud created at Wordle with text from this post.

An accounting of the last two months and re-commitments to blogging, writing (Row80), fiber art finishes, reviews, healthy habits and Joy (the state of being full of it, One Word and, yes, myself).

Coming out of the personal crisis that consumed late January through mid February I was felled by a series of infections.  The laryngitis I had Valentine's week segued into the flu with cough which became bronchitis with 2 weeks of  coughing fits.  One ten days in, that woke the whole household upstairs and down, warranted a visit to the doctor.  She suspected pneumonia and sent me for xrays saying if it was in both lungs she was putting me in the hospital.

But it wasn't pneumonia at all.  According to the xray it was just severe bronchitis along with visible COPD damage in my lungs.  That diagnosis has been hard for me to wrap my head around. It seemed to be the death knell to the goal I'd set myself two years ago to get healthy and eventually get off all the meds including the BP, the ADD and the antidepressants. And now I'm looking at yet another condition that is considered something you manage for a lifetime but not cure.

Will it mean more meds?  And what about my dream to start running again? At the very least it's going to mean more doctor appointments and I've about had my fill of them.

Where's the nearest hole I can crawl into?

COPD!! It didn't feel like a very fair reward for all the hard work of the last two years.

Since January 1st of 2013 I've dropped 60lb, (from 220 to160) ten dress sizes, (from 24 to 14 or from 2X/3X to 0X) and 7 inches off my waist, (from 44-37).  Losing the weight and getting active was probably why I was able to loose two of the three BP meds I was on two years ago.  And just last week my med nurse agreed to let me try stepping the Trazadone back to an occasional sleep aid instead of one of the daily antidepressants.

Between the personal drama the first six weeks of the year followed by one infection after another ever since (it's been ear infections for the last month) I haven't done much at all with my writing.  Even dropping the blog!  Between the fatigue and brain fog I just seemed to have nothing to give it.

Most of what productivity I have had since the first of the year has gone into the fiber art projects.  I have pictures I took for blog posts I didn't get around to writing which I'll be sharing in the coming weeks.

I confess that a great deal of my time since the first of the year has been given to endless hours of video watching.  About 50% of that time was shared with fiber art--mostly crochet.

In the last month I invested some of my scarce energy into decluttering, sorting and organizing with significant progress in the bedroom and office and the repacking of the boxes down in the basement from the rushed move in spring of 2013.

I realized things were improving in the second week of April when I began to be able to sustain my focus on reading for over an hour at a time and began to give up the videos in favor of the book more and more often.  Since then I've finished 5 books.  3 of them ARCs.  Which meant I needed to break the ice with the blogging again so I could post my reviews soon.  I knew I wouldn't post anything else until I'd posted something like this to explain my absence and set expectations for the future.

I got the reading back just in time for the spring Dewey 24 Hour Read-a-Thon.  Can't wait for Saturday!  I'm going to be free to do the whole 24 hours again this time! For the first time since the fall of 2012. Or at least attempt it with hope of making it since I got to ditch the zombie med.

The last four Thons just haven't been the same.  Making it the full 24 was my thing.  The only thing I did better than most since my visual impairment makes racking up impressive numbers of pages or books impossible.

I began to yearn for the creative writing again in the last week or so.  That's another thing I need to break the ice on.  I think the last creative writing I worked on was this poem I posted February 8th.

Considering one of the 11 verses, it might behoove me to put my oar in the water and start ROWing again:

There was an old woman who swallowed her words
they scratched and sliced and stabbed her innards
she wants to holler and howl and curse
perhaps she'll burst

ROW80 ROUND 2 GOALS
same as for Round 1 except for the last one and as always they are time investment rather than word count.
  • Storydreaming 15min Daily (I never lost this one since instating it in my first round in 2012.  A ROW80 win!)
  • Read/Study Craft 15min Daily
  • Move/Breathe/Meditate 15min Daily
  • Personal Journaling 15min Daily
  • Read Fiction 30min Daily
  • Social network activities 30min Daily (writing Joystory posts doesn't count only social reaching out like reading/commenting on other blogs, guest posts and posting to fb, twitter, pinterest etc)
  • Engage with the Blow Me a Candy Kiss structural rewrite file 30 min Daily
All of this in service to the overarching goal for 2015: Regain the joy in writing that I lost sometime last year.

Let me close with another of the verses in my February poem:
There was an old woman who swallowed her story
said it was boring but she feared its glory
now they grapple in purgatory

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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Drama Overload -- ROW80 Check-In


I wrote a couple poems [poem 1 - poem 2] and many overwrought emails  this month but I haven't looked at my fiction at all for two weeks or more. Too much drama in my personal life.

Except I did fiddle with Candy Kiss for awhile as I was preparing to close Scrivener to prep my computer for the trip Friday.  I noticed I was a bit calmer afterwords and wondered if that was because I'd interrupted the drama playing out in my life and replaced it with 'Let's Pretend' for an  hour or so.  But Candy Kiss is not completely pretend. It's based on real events and Greg and Iris are based on Ed and I and have our personalities and our communication issues.  So basically I was immersing myself back into a two decade old trauma-drama of ours.

So maybe it was close enough to the current crisis I was OCDed on to allow my mind to go there with little resistance but removed enough to bring some distance and a bit of objectivity into it.  Interestingly, I came away with a fairly profound insight that shed light on the current crisis.

Worth contemplating.

That got me wondering what the relationship was to personal drama level and the drama in writer's stories, the quality of the writing and their ability to finish them.  It would be interesting to do a study on that. Can there be too much drama.  Too little?  Or is there no observable relationship at all?  How would any of that be measured meaningfully?

Does anyone else have problems working on their stories when there is significant drama in your life or someone else is barraging you with their personal trauma-drama stories?

I also wondered about the influence of personal drama on the content of a writer's stories over time.  But that's a whole other post.



My Round 1 intentions: seek to regain my joy/Joy in writing and to prepare the soil for its blooming with these time investment goals:
  • Storydreaming 15min Daily (I never lost this one since instating it in my first round in 2012.  A ROW80 win!) 100%
  • Read/Study Craft 15min Daily 50% (reading blog posts on topic and Jeff Goin's book You Are a Writer So Start Acting Like One.)
  • Move/Breathe/Meditate 15min Daily 20%
  • Personal Journaling 15min Daily 0%  [still have not added this.  there's some resistance I'm not conscious of apparently.]
  • Read Fiction 30min Daily 20%
  • Social network activities 30min Daily (writing Joystory posts doesn't count only social reaching out like reading/commenting on other blogs, guest posts and posting to fb, twitter, pinterest etc) 20% 
Current Joy Meter: pushing 50%  Mood very volatile for weeks.  Hard to sort out the cause and effect between the state of my mood and the state of the personal drama.

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Monday, February 02, 2015

It's Monday, What Are You Reading?

It's Monday! What Are You Reading?
Share what you (are, have been, are about to, hope to be) reading or reviewing this week. Sign Mr Linky at Book Journey and visit other Monday reading roundups.

The sections of this template:


  • Intro (here)
  • Musings
  • My Week (or two) in Review -- list of books begun or finished and links to recent reviews and bookish posts
  • Reading Now -- my current reading list broken up into categories
  • Upcoming -- scheduled reviews and blog tours and list of finished books awaiting reviews)
  • New Arrivals -- lists of recently acquired books: bought, borrowed, ARC [broken up into snail mail, email and Net Gallery]



Quote: Flannery O'Connor
Mystery and Manners:
Occasional Prose
Musings

It's been over eight months since my last IMWAYR?.  A couple of weeks after that our furbaby, Merlin died.  Which began the mood roller coaster I've been riding ever since.  My mood tanked hard when Merlin got sick but I thought I was making a comeback when another event sent me into a tailspin.  Then I lost my counselor.  Then I learned my new counselor was revisiting the bi-polar diagnosis after I thought that had been ruled out a year previously.

My mood had taken too many blows in too short a time and I couldn't seem to recover my equilibrium.  I lost my joy.  Pun totally intended.  I lost joy in reading, in writing, in fiber art, in blogging, in social media, in running, in friends, in family, in me.  I lost myself.  Again.

I think I'm pulling out of it.  I've been working hard at it.  My new counselor has me practicing mindfulness.  I'm returning to personal journaling.

I returned to daily blogging at the first of the year.  I joined One Word 365 an alternative to New Year's resolutions in which you choose a word to make the theme of your year and try to do something to incorporate it into every day.

I'm still having mood meltdowns at least once a week but I began to find enjoyment in favorite activities again mid January, including reading. I requested three NetGalley ARC last week.  The first in over a year.  I finished a book today.

So here's hoping this is the first of a string of regular IMWAYR?

To prep this post I completely revamped the IMWAYR? template I'd been using. I eliminated or consolidated sections and removed from all the lists any book I'd not opened in over 6 months.  I can put them back if/when I start reading them again.  Most I'll likely have to restart.

Then I added all the books begun since mid summer and made sure each list section had a book image to reflect one of its books.  I will occasionally change out those images.

Thomas Covenant Trilogies
Finished this week:
  • Lord Foul's Bane by Stephen R. Donaldson [Book 1 of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever] reread  -- OWN -- EBOOK
Started this week:

  • The Glittering World by Robert Levy -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
  • Victorian Fairy Tales Edited by Michael Newton [short stories]   -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
  • The Witch of Napoli by Michael Schmicker -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]

Advanced Bookmarks [neither begun or finished this past week]:
  • Complexity and the Arrow of Time by (multiple authors)  --ARC -- EBOOK
  • All Things Wise and Wonderful by James Herriot -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • The Thunderbird Conspiracy by R. K. Price -- ARC -- EBOOK
  • A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson-- OWN -- TREE
  • A Course in Miracles [the text] -- OWN -- TREE
  • A Course in Miracles [the workbook] -- OWN -- TREE
  • Tao of Chaos: DNA & the I-Ching by Katya Walter --LIBRARY --EBOOK [Open Library]
  • Coming Out Asperger: Diagnosis, Disclosure, and Self-Confidence Edited by Dinah Murray -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • Lord Foul's Bane by Stephen R. Donaldson [Book 1 of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever] reread  -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • Metamorphosis: Transforming Your Body, Mind & Life! by Charles Webb  -- OWN -- TREE [came with the nutrition program my sister and I bought]
  • Why Isn't My Brain Working? by Datis Kharrazian -- LOAN -- TREE [from the library of the nutritionist]

Recent Weeks in Review:

~Reviews:

  • [no recent reviews]

~Recent Bookish Posts:



~Finished reading recently:

  • Lord Foul's Bane by Stephen R. Donaldson [Book 1 of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever] reread  -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • All Things Bright and Beautiful by James Herriot -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • Area 51: An Uncensored History of America's Top Secret Military Base1 by Annie Jacobsen -- LIBRARY -- AUDIO
  • From Where You Dream by Robert Olen -- LIBRARY -- TREE
  • The Nano Experiment by Richard Brawer -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • 420 Characters by Lou Beach  -- LIBRARY -- TREE
  • Rough Draft by Michael Robertson Jr. and Dan Dawkins -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • Autism Goes to School by Sharon A. Mitchell -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • Silver Lake by Peter Gadol -- OWN -- EBOOK

~Began reading recently:

  • All Things Wise and Wonderful by James Herriot  -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson-- OWN -- TREE
  • A Course in Miracles [the text] -- OWN -- TREE
  • A Course in Miracles [the workbook] -- OWN -- TREE
  • The Language of Food: A Linguist Reads the Menu by Dan Jurafsky -- LIBRARY -- TREE
  • The Tao of Chaos: DNA & the I-Ching by Katya Walter --LIBRARY --EBOOK [Open Library]
  • The Complete Stories by Flannery O'Connor [short stories]   -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • World Famous Cults and Fanatics by Colin Wilson   -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • Coming Out Asperger: Diagnosis, Disclosure, and Self-Confidence Edited by Dinah Murray -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • Discovering Your Soul Signature by Panache Desai -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • Water: For Health, For Healing, For Life by F. Batmangheildj -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • Metamorphosis: Transforming Your Body, Mind & Life! by Charles Webb  -- OWN -- TREE [came with the nutrition program my sister and I bought]
  • Why Isn't My Brain Working? by Datis Kharrazian -- LOAN -- TREE [from the library of the nutritionist]
  • You Are a Writer So Start Acting Like One by Jeff Goins -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This by Robin Black [short stories]  -- LOAN -- EBOOK
  • The Fierce and Unforgiving Muse by Gregory L. Norris [short stories]   -- OWN -- EBOOK
  • The Glittering World by Robert Levy -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
  • Victorian Fairy Tales Edited by Michael Newton [short stories]   -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
  • The Witch of Napoli by Michael Schmicker -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
Reading Now (Some Intermittently):

__Non-Fiction:


    • Complexity and the Arrow of Time by (multiple authors)  --ARC -- EBOOK
    • Star Trek As Myth: Essays on Symbol and Archetype at the Final Frontier edited by Matthew Kapell -- OWN -- EBOOK
    • Discovering Your Soul Signature by Panache Desai -- OWN -- EBOOK
    • Water: For Health, For Healing, For Life by F. Batmangheildj -- OWN -- EBOOK
    • Metamorphosis: Transforming Your Body, Mind & Life! by Charles Webb  -- OWN -- TREE [came with the nutrition program my sister and I bought]
    • Why Isn't My Brain Working? by Datis Kharrazian -- LOAN -- TREE [from the library of the nutritionist]
    • The Language of Food: A Linguist Reads the Menu by Dan Jurafsky -- LIBRARY -- TREE
    • A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson-- OWN -- TREE
    • A Course in Miracles [the text] -- OWN -- TREE
    • A Course in Miracles [the workbook] -- OWN -- TREE
    • World Famous Cults and Fanatics by Colin Wilso   -- OWN -- EBOOK
    • Tao of Chaos: DNA & the I-Ching by Katya Walter --LIBRARY --EBOOK [Open Library]

      ~ROW80 Writing Craft


      • No Plot, No Problem by Chris Baty -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • The Fiction Writer's Handbook by Shelly Lowenkopf  --ARC -- EBOOK ROW80 reading list
      • What to Do When There's Too Much to Do by Laura Stack -- OWN -- EBOOK (Part of my attempt to organize my life around my priorities. So part of my ROW80 reading list)
      • 13 Ways of Looking at the Novel by Jane Smiley -- LIBRARY -- TREE
      • You Are a Writer So Start Acting Like One by Jeff Goins -- OWN -- EBOOK

      __Fiction:
      • The Fierce and Unforgiving Muse by Gregory L. Norris [short stories]   -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This by Robin Black [short stories]  -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • The Complete Stories by Flannery O'Connor [short stories] -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • The Glittering World by Robert Levy -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
      • Victorian Fairy Tales Edited by Michael Newton  [short stories]  -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]
      • The Witch of Napoli by Michael Schmicker -- ARC [NetGalley Kindle]

       ~Blog Tour books still unfinished


      Upcoming:

      ___Blog Tours:


      ___Books I've Finished Awaiting Reviews (non blog tours):

      Whenever I'm not pinned to a date like with the blog tours I do very poorly at getting reviews written in a timely way after finishing books and the longer I wait the harder it gets.  This is an issue I'm working on and hope to get a system in place to smooth the track from beginning book to posting review.

      Series:

      Jan Karon's Mitford series. 
      The short lighthearted chapters of these books are almost like stand-alone short stories with beloved characters and make great bedtime reading for adults wanting pleasant dreams.  

      Read them aloud to my Mom  

      Feb 10 2014: We just finished the last one, In the Company of Others but have heard there is a new one and need to check on that.
      • At Home in Mitford 
      • A Light in the Window by Jan Karon  
      • These High, Green Hills by Jan Karon  .
      • Out to Caanan by Jan Karon 
      • A New Song by Jan Karon.  
      • A Common Life: The Wedding Story by Jan Karon
      • Shepherds Abiding by Jan Karon 
      • In This Mountain by Jan Karon
      • A Light From Heaven by Jan Karon  --   the final book in the Mitford series.
      • At Home in Holly Springs by Jan Karon  --  Father Tim series first of two.  Features Father Tim from the Mitford series having adventures beyond Mitford after his retirement from Episcopal priest duty. In this one he returns to the town he grew up in. 
      • In the Company of Others by Jan Karon  --  Father Tim series second of two.  In this one he and Cynthia have a several week vacation in Ireland from where his father and grandfather had immigrated
      Grace Chapel Inn series published by Guidepost which I'm now reading to Mom. New volumes will come in the mail monthly. We are loving it.  Maybe even more than the last half of the Mitford and Father Tim volumes.  Three sisters ages 50, 62 and 70 inherit jointly their family home after their father's death.  A Victorian in a very small town situated next door to the church their father pastored.  They decide to turn it into a Bed and Breakfast so they can afford to keep it and live in it.  We finished the tenth one the second week of January.
      • Back Home Again by Melody Carlson 
      • Going to the Chapel by by Rebecca Kelly
      • Recipes and Wooden Spoons
      • Hidden History
      • Winter Wonders
      • Portraits of the Past
      • All in the Timing
      • Promises to Keep
      • Slices of Life
      • Home for the Holidays
      Herriot's All Creatures: another series I'm reading to Mom.  We are reading these while we wait for the next Grace Chapel book to arrive in the mail.

      • All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • All Things Bright and Beautiful by James Herriot -- LOAN -- EBOOK

      Wicked Another series for which I'll probably do a single review. I think there is a 5th book out now so I may wait until I can get my hands on it.  These four were loaners from my niece.
      • Witch by Nancy Holder and Debbie Viguie -- LOAN -- TREE
      • Curse by Nancy Holder and Debbie Viguie -- LOAN -- TREE
      • Legacy by Nancy Holder and Debbie Viguie -- LOAN -- TREE
      • Spellbound by Nancy Holder and Debbie Viguie -- LOAN -- TREE

      Thomas Covenant Trilogies
      Thomas Covenant

      • Lord Foul's Bane by Stephen R. Donaldson [Book 1 of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever] reread  -- OWN -- EBOOK

      Fiction:
      • The Land of Decoration by Grace McClean -- ARC-- OWN -- TREE
      • The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff  -- LIBRARY -- TREE
      • Losses by Robert Wexelblatt an -- ARC-- OWN -- EBOOK
      • After: The Shock by Scott Nicholson -- ARC-- OWN -- EBOOK  This is post apocalyptic horror with zombies.    I anticipated enjoying this even tho zombies are not my favorite horror theme because I really enjoyed his The Red Church and I did but probably not to the same degree.  And its continued.
      • Pie Town by Lynne Hinton -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • Good in Bed by Jennifer Wiener -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • Certain Girls by Jennifer Wiener (sequel to Good in Bed) -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • Joyland by Stephen King -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • Rose Fire by Mercedes Lackey -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • The Nano Experiment by Richard Brawer -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • 420 Characters by Lou Beach  -- LIBRARY -- TREE
      • Rough Draft by Michael Robertson Jr. and Dan Dawkins -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • Autism Goes to School by Sharon A. Mitchell -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • Silver Lake by Peter Gadol -- OWN -- EBOOK
      Non-Fiction:

      • Boys Will Be Joys by Dave Meurer -- OWN -- TREE
      • Write Good or Die! edited by Scott Nicholson  -- OWN -- EBOOK -- a collection of essays by inde authors -- ROW80 reading list 
      • Writing in General and the Short Story in Particular by Rust Hills onetime fiction editor at Esquire -- OWN -- TREE
      •  Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Leher -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • The Power of Habit by Charles Duhi -- LOAN -- EBOOK
      • Get Your Loved One Sober by Robert Meyers  -- OWN -- EBOOK (Research for a fiction WIP)
      • The Road to Success in NaNoWriMo: Your Guide to a Month of High Speed Writing by Terri Main  -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • 50 ways to get Ideas for Blog Posts by Dylan Varian  -- OWN -- EBOOK
      • Area 51 by Annie Jacobsen -- LIBRARY -- AUDIO
      • From Where You Dream by Robert Olen -- LIBRARY -- TREE

      Memoir/Biography

      • Mama Makes Up Her Mind and Other Dangers of Southern Living by by Bailey White -- OWN -- TREE -- a memoir.  It's short little vignette chapters and easy to read font made it ideal for taking with me to doctor appointments.  Which is how I managed to finally finish it.
      • Never Give in to Fear by Marti MacGibbon   -- ARC-- OWN -- EBOOK This was a memoir of an addict's decent into the abyss and rise back out again and was quite engrossing.





      New Arrivals:

      __ARC

      ~snail mail



      ~email


      ~NetGalley

      • The Glittering World by Robert Levy
      • Victorian Fairy Tales Edited by Michael Newton
      • The Witch of Napoli by Michael Schmicker

      __Bought


      __Borrowed


      • The Tao of Chaos: DNA & the I-Ching by Katya Walter --LIBRARY --EBOOK [Open Library]
      • Why Isn't My Brain Working? by Datis Kharrazian -- LOAN -- TREE [from the library of the nutritionist]

      • Read more...

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