Taming My Stella and Rising From Her Mudd

 500 Stellas Can Put Anyone In the Mud

In a discussion with my sister-friend Jamie several months ago, I was ragging on myself and refusing to see what Jamie saw as positives instead of just further proof of my failures and deficiencies. I kept insisting that what was done did not outweigh what was undone and even so it wasn't done right or wasn't done quickly enough or wasn't done often enough or wasn't done on time or wasn't done with a good attitude etc etc etc.

Jamie asked me whose voice was I hearing in my head when I took these thoughts to heart.  I said primarily my Mom's from childhood but also my Dad's, my brother's and my sister's and of course my husband's and my mother-in-law's.  Then she told me that another close friend of hers had a similar problem and she had found it helpful to name her haranguer so she could talk back to her.  I promised I would think about that and see if I could come up with a name meaningful to me.

After several days of contemplation I had zeroed in on the finger shaken at my face as was my Mom's practice.  And although her tone was much different it put me in mind of the Stella Mudd character from the classic Star Trek series.  My mom never yelled let alone screeched like Stella nor did she name-call.  She barely raised her voice.  But her words dripped with shame and disappointment.  Here are some of her favorite phrases that still haunt me today:

• Shame on you
• Mama's so disappointed
• How could you be so _______?
• Why can't Mama depend on you?
• Why can't you be more _____?
• When are you going to _____?
• How do you expect to ______ when you can't even ______?
• Are you ever going to finish that?
• Do I always have to remind you?
• No, no not that way, here let me show you (as she takes the tool out of my hands)
• That was nice but next time don't you think you could try______?
• How many times do I have to say _______?
• But don't you think a better way would be ______?
• But don't you think _______? (constantly on every topic under the sun and for which the only acceptable answer was 'yes' even if that was a lie)

Recently Jamie and I were talking about how it was working out for me talking back to Stella or telling her to shut up.  I was having minimal success and would often find myself experiencing waves of guilt and shame afterwards.  Jamie was insistent that i needed to get cross with her, defiant, even violent.  "Punch her out" she suggested.  Treat her like the bully she is.  But I am, by nature and training, very averse to violence and have never found that the response to a bully needs to be becoming a bully.  So I let it percolate for a bit and it wasn't long before I came up with a tactic that fit my personality and values.

I can't remember the source but not long ago I heard someone refer to the Southern Lady's FU and demonstrated with a honey-toned "Bless your heart"  Now that could work If I could get that refined tone of faux sincerity down.  And since one of my superpowers is story I was soon developing related lines along with gestures.  I see them as mini-movies in my head.

"Bless your heart." I say when Stella starts harping.  And if she doesn't hush immediately I reach out and smooth her hair back and say. "Don't fash yourself dear."  Or, "Hush now dear, you are overwrought."  Then if she is especially persistent I hold out a cup of hot chamomile tea saying, "There, there dear, I do believe someone needs a nap."  Or I will reach out and lay the back of my hand on her forehead and say, "Are you fevered dear?  How about a nice little chill pill?"

I've only been trying this for a bit under two weeks now but it does seem to be helping.

I wish I'd found it in time to help me thru the dark month of September that contained the death anniversaries of my dad, my husband and my MIL along with Ed's birthday and the second anniversary of the fire in Southern Oregon that burned out the trailer park we had lived in for over a decade near Phoenix.

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Almost Home? - A Photo Essay

Writing Station

By placing my blue tray table with laptop between the white tray table and the white drawer on the couch I created a 'desk' that is a little wider than my spread out arms.  The tables are collapsible when not in use tho I seldom collapse the blue table.  

When I started making the couch into a bed at night a bit over a week ago I put the drawer under the white table.  And a couple days ago I moved the white table between the blue table and the couch so that it could be my bedside table at night and the drawer underneath as a charging station for devices.

Below is a better view of the couch from late August right after it was unboxed:

 

Blue Suede Couch

Notice the empty shelves?

This is why:

It is hard to recognize it but that is the same corner as in the top photo and the same shelf unit in a jumble on the floor after it collapsed and avalanched books, electronics and office supplies all across the front room nearly wall to wall in late August.

I had just finished loading the World Book Encyclopedia set and the first few volumes of the Britannica Great Books set on the top shelf (not counting the tippy top) and noticed that the shelf was no longer flush with the same shelf on the unit to the right containing the rest of the Great Books.  I pushed on the top right corner and the entire top right quadrant folded towards me and most of the horizontal and vertical pieces popped out and the contents fell out around my feet in a large puddle with some of the smaller items including my desk toys aka fidget toys bouncing and sliding across the floor.

I messaged my sister and she brought her son over and the two of them finished removing contents from what still stood, took the entire unit apart and put it back together.  Then having learned what were my probable mistakes in putting it together in the first place took a look at the first unit and pronounced it unstable as well so they unloaded it before they left but it was a month before they returned to rebuild it.

That is why there has been such a long hiatus in my blogging about settling into my new place.  That incident followed by the heatwave the next week took the oomph out of me and not having the shelves available wrecked my schedule for getting the stuff going on them either unboxed or moved over from Mom's.  It was soooo discouraging.

But eventually I got with the program again.

Wheeled Carts

These are two of the wheeled carts containing mostly crafty stuff.  The single-wide on the left stood by my fiber art station at Mom's and contained everything to do with yarn, thread and sewing.  It is currently empty after I distributed its contents among the shelves near my current craft station.  There was no sense in having the fiber art paraphernalia clear across the room from where I would be needing them. Yes the cart was on wheels but there was no place near where I'd be crafting to place it that wouldn't create a trip hazard.  

That cart will now hold electronic devices and their assorted accessories.  As well as be one of several charging stations for said devices.  Once I get those items sorted into those drawers I'll have at least three more cubes on the black shelf units available for books.

The double-wide cart holds other crafty stuff including graphic arts and papercraft and various found items that give me ideas. But also several misc aka junk drawers.  I will be distributing any items related to fiber arts over on the shelves designated for them.  

I have a vague notion that some of the drawers on the right will be used for small kitchen miscellany.  Or I might switch the carts around and use the single-
wide for kitchen stuff and split the double-wide between electronics and graphic arts.  Still a work in progress.

Moving on to the right now facing the kitchen:

Shelves

The wooden bookshelf in front of the breakfast bar contains my DVD collection.  Between that and the blue shelf unit is a charging station hidden behind the fan.

The blue shelves contain the bulk of the fiber art tools, reference and materials except for the large WIP kits and the unassigned yarn stash.  The navy cloth closet in the far corner is stuffed to the gills with said yarn stash and large WIP kits.  So stuffed the zipper is pulling away from the fabric.

This was the same wall before the black shelf collapsed and I urgently needed the wooden bookshelf for the Encyclopedia and Great Books sets.  Temporarily as it turned out.  But by then I'd found new and better homes for the clothes.

90 degree turn to the right:

Craft and Sort Station.

This is the tall 3 foot square table that was Ed's that I use for projects that I need to spread out or work at standing up.  Like sorting or large WIP in fiber art and writing/research.  Tho I've not had time for the latter yet.  NaNo is coming tho.  Fast like a freight train.

The grey shelf unit on the back wall is still a mishmash and may be for some time.  The far left column contains small to middling containers for organizing larger containers, shelves, cupboards, drawers, closets etcetera.  The middle to far right is all fiber art stuff still in flux.

Under the big table is another wheeled cart facing out.  That contains office supplies and vision aides and more junk drawers.  Behind that wheeled cart facing the other wall is a plastic dresser full of small to middling crochet WIP.  And left over yarn and thread from finished WIP.

The white shelf unit next to the front door contains outerwear accessories.  Hats on top.  Scarves in the middle and Shawls on the bottom.  My shoes are in a shallow box that slides under the couch.  My jackets and favorite handbags hang on the back of the door.

Next the self-care station aka bathroom:

Sink

HABA

Clothes

It is hard to tell in that last pic as it is such poor quality but that is 8 folding boxes on four shelves over the toilet tank.  They contain the kinds of things I might need to get dressed after a shower when I'm not planning to leave the apartment: T-shirts, sweats, pajamas and grunge.  That way I can get showered on an impulse even on a cold morning or evening without having to hunt clothes out and without having to heat up the whole apartment as the bathroom has a very toasty heater.

There is still a lot of work to do to get my clothes, HABA (Health and Beauty Aids) and self-care miscellany sorted and organized but the 'homes' for the items are in place.

On the way out of the bathroom we encounter:

Read Watch and Listen Station

That's the beanbag chair atop the mini-tramp that becomes like a recliner where I watch videos, listen to audio books, music and podcasts.  When I'm just listening I'm also crocheting now.  That is new this past week.  I am on the third project. since picking it back up 9 days ago.

The same listening activities can accompany mini-tramp workouts.

Next the kitchen:

Food and Drink Prep Station

Visible are the blue toaster oven above the electric tea kettle, crockpot and red microwave.  Next to the microwave are the knife holder and spice rack.

I turned all my plastic crates into kitchen storage for the space between the fridge and the back door.  I made them stable by using bungy cords to snug each to its neighbor above and beside.  They contain:  Pots and pans too large for the other cupboards, mixing bowls, small appliances and produce that doesn't need refrigeration.  

And I left a space in the back corner for the mop and broom.

This was a recent development.  Like last week.  It was a major step in making the kitchen workable, preventing that corner from being a junk collector and also established homes for the empty crates that I'd been schlepping from place to place whenever the place they had landed was needed otherwise.  I was beginning to wonder if I needed to give them up.  But I was planning to try them inside the closet for clothes organizing before deciding but I have other options for that and I'm liking this better every day.

So the answer to the title question?

I think maybe yes?

I'm still ambivalent about it because most of the time it doesn't feel so but evidence that it is so is in these facts:

• My days for at least two weeks now have been more about daily living than about the moving in tasks.
• I started crocheting again
• I started serious reading again
• I started writing again.
• Last week coming back from grocery shopping with my caregiver I was startled to see we had arrived and I spontaneously asked 'Are we home already?'

So yes, almost home.

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Time to Find a New Normal

"time flies" by Robert Couse-Baker

I let everything else fall away the morning of May 27th when I found Merlin unconscious.  Now it is closing in on a week since he crossed the Rainbow Bridge.  I've found my way back to enough emotional equilibrium it's time to start moving towards a new normal that puts me back on a track towards my priority goals.

I have a lot of catching up to do--sleep, email inbox, 2Do lists, clutter on desk and in clothing and accessories area and so much more.  Including posts.  I'm still running three or more days behind in getting posts ready to publish though I continue to open new drafts for each day.

This is an added stress I don't need so I'm going to simplify the task and lower my expectations until I

• catch up on sleep
• rack up a week solid of 7.5+ hours of sleep
• declutter desk, closet, accessories and crafts
• get my schedule back in place (I've gravitated back to night owl)
• get back on my exercise routine
• finish the rewrite of Candy Kiss
• and whatever else occurs to me that needs to have priority over posting

So my plan for simple, quick posts is to

• use blog this to create drafts from things I encounter online that are uplifting or useful
• use my cell camera to take photos of something I do that might be post worthy and start a draft
• create LOLs
• find posts in my archives that are worth a replay or a rewrite


By creating more than one draft a day that way I can have a backlog of potential posts to choose from.

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Sunday Serenity #382

Practicing My Happy Face

I took this with my Aspire laptop camera.  This was my first selfie.  Tho it took me five tries to get an acceptable one.  I'm out of practice at smiling so it feels forced and then looks forced.  The first four also displayed four separate emotions not usually associated with smiles: bored, confused, anxious and in pain.

To get that one I had to tap into memories of laughing babies and squee LOLkittens and the last laugh I shared with Ed.

It's rare for me to post a full face photo.  This time its because my sister and I got haircuts last evening and I guess I wanted to showoff share the result.

All ready for spring and summer now.

It had been about a year since the last one and my very thick hair had reached my collarbones.  It's like wearing a wool blanked on my head.

It was also getting to be too hard to take care of and took twelve to twenty-four hours to thoroughly dry.  Using a blow dryer caused it to frizz.

Having it done was as much in honor of my new morning routine as of the arrival of spring.  This past week I spent three times as long on the hair then on the face and teeth.  I actually had to fuss with it twice as I had to get it pinned back to keep it out of the way for washing my face and brushing my teeth and then primp it for the vid chat with Ed.

Now doing my hair should take less than 90 seconds. Thus brushing my teeth which requires 2 minutes minimum will probably earn the honor of longest task of the three.

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Getting Kitted Out

For hair, face and teeth: Double-sided handheld mirror w/1X and 3X,
2 sets of summer colors headbands in slim and skinny,
a large spider clip (8 legged).
For exercise: (all Gold Gym) weighted gloves,
stretchy bands in 3 strengths,
 neoprene waist trimmer belt

For context see Friday's post, Report Card, where I discuss the reinstatement of Ed's coaching me on self-management with a focus on time management and habit formation to support my goals and fitness routines.

Based on the evaluation we did Friday to establish where I stood, Saturday Ed and I agreed that the next thing we'll work on is hygiene and stepping up the exercise which is the one thing I was able to hold onto during the latest mood dive.

For exercise I'm going to add a vigorous workout of at least five minutes between warm up and cool down.  This can be either added to the post vid chat session on the tramp or I can either get back on the tramp in the afternoon or do it with the resistance training moves or go for a brisk walk outside.  That last I can't do alone with my visual impairment tho.

The next task(s) we agreed to wrangle into habits were showering every other day and prepping for social engagement from the neck up early each day.  In other words face, hair and teeth.  And since we want to anchor each new habit onto one already established we chose before the 6:15 vid chat.  I'm to think of it as prepping for a date. :)

Currently I'm setting my alarm just twenty minutes ahead of the vid chat but I'm aiming to start setting it earlier as soon as I establish a consistent bedtime to support a 4:30 to 5AM rising.  And since to get the FHT task done before vid chat now I've got to do it immediately during that first bathroom visit, I may decide to keep it anchored to that as the wake-up time moves back.

To support a  4:30 to 5AM wake up I need to be asleep by 8:30 to 9PM.  Ed once said that it is important to think about your day starting with bed time not wake-up.  So I asked him why we weren't starting with that.  He said that other things needed to be in place to support that or I'd just fail and get discouraged.  He wants to set me up for overall success by giving me early mini successes to build confidence and motivation.

The first time I succeeded in getting the FHT done before vid was Sunday morning (for an 8:30 vid) and Ed asked me to describe how I felt.  About the best I could do was say 'pleased.'

Then he listed all the positive effects he could see just from my demeanor: nearly constant smile, animated features when speaking, head up, shoulders back, hands in motion instead of in my armpits, giggles, bright tone of voice.  I am paraphrasing and may be adding things I started to notice as soon as he started listing.

After his list he asked again.  What are you feeling?  I was able to say 'happy'.  Then 'content'.  Then he asked, Confident?  and I said, Maybe.  A bit.  He said, Energized?  I said, Yes!  Wow.

Then he said Now I want you to focus on all that good feeling and remember it and from now on when the thought of facing that task comes up replace the old automatic mood of weary fatigue and overwhelm it conjured with the memory of this.

Wow. What a light bulb moment. And what an object lesson he set me up for.  And yes he did plan it.

Now to the part about getting kitted out.

In our talks about the obstacles I'd identified that prevented me from maintaining consistent habits around hygiene I'd listed as the two biggest how cold the mornings were before the house heat has been on for at least an hour and how often Mom is in the bathroom when I headed that way for a shower or to take care of face, hair or teeth.

The solution was to get a space heater small enough to take back and forth between this room and the bathroom.  And a hands free portable mirror I could use at my desk or in the bedroom to do face and hair touch ups and put on accessories when heading out the door.

So I asked my sister to take me shopping Saturday evening and I came back with what's in the picture above plus the space heater.

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