Taming My Stella and Rising From Her Mudd

 500 Stellas Can Put Anyone In the Mud

In a discussion with my sister-friend Jamie several months ago, I was ragging on myself and refusing to see what Jamie saw as positives instead of just further proof of my failures and deficiencies. I kept insisting that what was done did not outweigh what was undone and even so it wasn't done right or wasn't done quickly enough or wasn't done often enough or wasn't done on time or wasn't done with a good attitude etc etc etc.

Jamie asked me whose voice was I hearing in my head when I took these thoughts to heart.  I said primarily my Mom's from childhood but also my Dad's, my brother's and my sister's and of course my husband's and my mother-in-law's.  Then she told me that another close friend of hers had a similar problem and she had found it helpful to name her haranguer so she could talk back to her.  I promised I would think about that and see if I could come up with a name meaningful to me.

After several days of contemplation I had zeroed in on the finger shaken at my face as was my Mom's practice.  And although her tone was much different it put me in mind of the Stella Mudd character from the classic Star Trek series.  My mom never yelled let alone screeched like Stella nor did she name-call.  She barely raised her voice.  But her words dripped with shame and disappointment.  Here are some of her favorite phrases that still haunt me today:

• Shame on you
• Mama's so disappointed
• How could you be so _______?
• Why can't Mama depend on you?
• Why can't you be more _____?
• When are you going to _____?
• How do you expect to ______ when you can't even ______?
• Are you ever going to finish that?
• Do I always have to remind you?
• No, no not that way, here let me show you (as she takes the tool out of my hands)
• That was nice but next time don't you think you could try______?
• How many times do I have to say _______?
• But don't you think a better way would be ______?
• But don't you think _______? (constantly on every topic under the sun and for which the only acceptable answer was 'yes' even if that was a lie)

Recently Jamie and I were talking about how it was working out for me talking back to Stella or telling her to shut up.  I was having minimal success and would often find myself experiencing waves of guilt and shame afterwards.  Jamie was insistent that i needed to get cross with her, defiant, even violent.  "Punch her out" she suggested.  Treat her like the bully she is.  But I am, by nature and training, very averse to violence and have never found that the response to a bully needs to be becoming a bully.  So I let it percolate for a bit and it wasn't long before I came up with a tactic that fit my personality and values.

I can't remember the source but not long ago I heard someone refer to the Southern Lady's FU and demonstrated with a honey-toned "Bless your heart"  Now that could work If I could get that refined tone of faux sincerity down.  And since one of my superpowers is story I was soon developing related lines along with gestures.  I see them as mini-movies in my head.

"Bless your heart." I say when Stella starts harping.  And if she doesn't hush immediately I reach out and smooth her hair back and say. "Don't fash yourself dear."  Or, "Hush now dear, you are overwrought."  Then if she is especially persistent I hold out a cup of hot chamomile tea saying, "There, there dear, I do believe someone needs a nap."  Or I will reach out and lay the back of my hand on her forehead and say, "Are you fevered dear?  How about a nice little chill pill?"

I've only been trying this for a bit under two weeks now but it does seem to be helping.

I wish I'd found it in time to help me thru the dark month of September that contained the death anniversaries of my dad, my husband and my MIL along with Ed's birthday and the second anniversary of the fire in Southern Oregon that burned out the trailer park we had lived in for over a decade near Phoenix.