It was about a week ago that Ed stopped reassuring me that 'we'll work it out' or 'I'll figure it out' or 'I'll make it happen' when I pressed about plans for me to come down to have Christmas with him and his family in the Rogue Valley, and instead said 'I can't see it happening'.
I was devastated. It's now been 7 months since we were last in arm's reach. One by one I pinned my hopes on certain dates--by his birthday in late September, by my birthday in mid November, by Thanksgiving, by our anniversary December 2nd--and they all approached and passed like big trucks on slushy streets, splashing me with cold sadness for days or weeks.
This time instead of wallowing, I got busy. I eschewed my soggy pillow for busywork: Organizing Gmail and my Master Task List, browser bookmarks, crafts, clothes, files; reading tree books, ebooks, email, blogs, web sites; crocheting; wishlist shopping. I avoided my pillow and the bed where I could not keep at bay the thoughts that tapped into the tear well.
No Christmas. That's essentially what it meant. My family doesn't celebrate Christmas. As I did not before I married Ed. For several years I'd fought feelings of guilt for joining in and enjoying it. But soon it had become the highlight of every year.
The weekend after Thanksgiving my sister-in-law dropped off my Christmas gift (she was my Secret Santa this year as I was her's last year and still owe her
this) as she and Ed's brother were on their way to the Seattle Seahawks game. That should have clued me to what they were gathering from Ed or his Mom.
When she asked me what I would be doing for Christmas with my Mom and sister I blithely said that I was still hoping to make it down, that we just hadn't figured out the transportation yet. I thought maybe I'd seen doubt flicker across her face but she was standing in the dark garage with the light from the kitchen casting a chiaroscuro over her and anyway my eyes aren't trustworthy and besides I didn't want to go there.
(calmer, energized, happier, healthier, creative, rejuvenated, connected, grounded, efficient...)
I might have given the cold shoulder to the wallow this time but that doesn't mean I avoided the emotional tail-spin. In the last week I pulled several all-nighters two of them exceeding 36 hours, sleeping 5-7 hours before doing it again. That couldn't last as sleep deprivation has consequences--anxiety, mental fog, stupid mistakes (putting cold cereal bowl in microwave, turning on wrong burner, using conditioner instead of body wash and versa visa) forgetting (why I'd opened the fridge door; where I'd set down my evening pill cup; to include the pertinent info in an email before sending; to feed Merlin; to eat; to take Rx, to breathe) slow responses, headaches, poor focus, dizziness, continuously finding myself staring into the vanishing point whether that might be the back wall of the fridge, the wall behind me as I stood at the mirror, the neighbor's roof, the laptop's hinge as fingers lay idle on the keyboard, the bottom of the bread drawer, the floor at my feet...
Yeah, there is a law of diminishing returns when it comes to sacrificing sleep in the name of 'making time'.
Well, in the course of browsing for ad copy in the areas of my interest (a project for my AWAI copywriting course) I'd signed onto a number of mailing lists primarily to harvest their copy for examples but I didn't say no to any of the thank-you gifts (many were newsletters or ebooks that amounted to the same thing--copy) so I'd collected quite a few.
Among the gifts tho, were a single track and a full album from
Mind Power MP3. I had not gone looking for the site or their product. Their gifts were part of the thank-you gifts for signing up for the newsletter of another site. So I hadn't yet been exposed to the claims for the BWE system they use and thus wasn't primed to expect anything more than the normal enjoyment of the ambient and classical music I love.
With a single listen I was drawn in and for the next three days I kept one or the other and then a third playing in the background as I worked. Eventually, I again found myself staring into the vanishing point while listening only now it didn't feel wrong or weird. My thoughts had calmed. My anxiety was muffled. The blue carried shades of purple and silver.
Tho not exactly happy, I was no longer heartbroken. I noticed I was sitting up straighter, felt an increase (slight but noticeable) in the long elusive physical and mental energy, and was taking deeper breaths without thinking about it--a defiance of my habit when stressed or depressed to breathe shallow and stop altogether for 10 to 20 seconds at a time once or twice per minute.
That was Sunday.
When I got up this morning I decided that I was going to make it purposeful for the entire day. I would take frequent breaks from my busy work and listen while focusing on my breath as my counselor is encouraging me to do. I would combine it with sessions with
my light therapy lamp. I would listen while meditating. I would listen while daydreaming, while crocheting, while doing isometric exercises sitting in my desk chair. And while reading, surfing, writing, posting, organizing....
And so I did.
As the day wore on the evidence that something real was shifting in me accumulated. This was before I took the time to actually read the copy where they explained the Brainwave Entrainment technology behind their albums and the science behind it. It's all about triggering the brain's transition between vibrational frequencies with rhythm and pulses of sound, encouraging it to settle into therapeutic frequencies that facilitate healing, creativity, mental acuity, relaxation, sleep, appetite control, immune system support, bliss, serenity, compassion and love, memory, focus and concentration and on and on. By themselves these odd sounds are irritating or boring to listen to but when mixed with music they become part of the ambiance of the piece and we have a case of 1+1 > 2.
You can see their brief description in a short vid by clicking the second linking under the vid above.
After a few times through each of the three free gifts I needed some variety so I found
their YouTube channel. It'll be awhile before I've gotten through them all. Especially if I keep replaying favorites. The embedded video is one of their playlists which I'm listening to as I work on this.
I meant to be in bed on time (by 9) but I've spent
three five hours longer than I meant to on this and the morning vid chat with Ed is only
5 3 hours away. Sigh. I guess I'll be going back to bed after again. But I can't be sleeping til noon as I'm on duty with Mom from mid morning to midnight while my sister is on a job out of town.
So I'll leave you with the link I found in their email today to a page where you can access
20 free gifts from Mind Power MP3.com. Some are ebooks, some are music videos, some are music downloads from single tracks to full albums and some are free listens online that time out 24hrs after you load the page. And they mean 24 hours exactly. There is a countdown clock and the player shuts down in the middle of the track when it reaches 0:0:0:0. Be sure to ration these ones and open the links at least 24 hours apart so you don't have to split your 24 hours between more than one.
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