Meltdown #ROW80 #NaNoWriMo
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| Dis wut missgn u feelz lyk |
After over a week maintaining a fairly stable mood with the grieving on a slow simmer and the tears playing peek-a-boo for a few minutes a few times per day, I had a major meltdown this afternoon. I had expected this week to be hard though. I just hoped it wouldn't devolve this far again. And I can't blame it on sleep deprivation this time.
The trigger was the fact this was Thanksgiving Eve and last year on Thanksgiving Eve I took Ed shopping at WinCo for a major Thanksgiving bash menu and then spent the week with him through Sunday evening.
On Thanksgiving day last year I helped him in minor ways to put together the full featured Thanksgiving spread and then pack up servings for three plus leftovers to send over to Mom's by early afternoon. Then Ed and I ate on the rest of it for the rest of the weekend and I still took some more home with me. It was one of the happiest memories of our marriage with hope running high and only the shadow of Sunday evening hanging over it.
I can't believe that six months later we crashed and burned our marriage and four months after that Ed died.
I spent the last week in a state that felt like it might be the 'acceptance' stage but if it was I'm apparently not quite ready to live there yet.
One of the projects I worked on this week was collecting all the relevant text from Joystory posts in 2013 that reference the 'lifequake' that was the unwanted indefinite separation that has now become permanent.
I began reading my 2013 blogposts starting with January 1st on Sunday and I made it all the way to the end of May as of last night and there had been no sign of any impending meltdown. Some minor tearing up a few times but there were more moments of actual joy in being reminded of some of the high notes of those months.
Reading these posts also reminded me of how far I've come personally and thus confirmed for myself that my choice to give up on us had been necessary to avoid having all my progress sabotaged yet again. But knowing it had to be doesn't make my arms feel any less empty.
Meanwhile....
Gathering those posts counts as part of the file scavenger hunt that is part of my Round Goals tho. After I finish with the 'lifequake' posts I'm going to reread and harvest all the emails we exchanged during the same months.
On the NaNo front: I got way behind having maintained an average of 1K per day until a few days ago when I stepped it up to 2K a day. Now my stats page is telling me I need 2500 per day to finish on time. That's doable for me.
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