Coping Schemes #ROW80 #NaNoWriMo
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| When what you want is hopelessly beyond your reach Learn to want something else |
The last three days have been much calmer than the three culminating in the wee hours of Monday morning as I was posting the last check-in. Since then I've managed to apply some of the advice coming from various sources including myself and have been passably productive with my goals except for the ones requiring harvesting my files. I hesitate to put a number to any of it but I estimate it is a bit better than 50% of the rest of them.
I knew at the time I was writing Sunday's post that the weekend events had created the perfect storm for knocking me off my equilibrium: Being forced to give up my birthday plans for a video marathon and NaNo catchup to deal with the urgent need to do up Ed's laundry which meant having to be confronted with memory triggers. Spending those hours doing his laundry with my cousin who let me talk endlessly about him, our marriage, the breakup, his death and packing up his apartment. All of which created a needed catharsis but also an emotional rollercoaster I couldn't get off even once back at home and this led to difficulty sleeping which led to sleep deprivation which is my major nemesis.
Sleep dep plus emotional volatility creates a nasty feedback loop for me that devolves quickly into inner and outer chaos. At least I've learned to recognize the symptoms now within a day or three instead of after weeks or months and I have methods to apply to reverse the trend. I've made sleep the highest priority since Monday which has helped me feel less chaotic inside which has helped me start to address some of the outer chaos in small ways.
Like I started to put my craft table back in order so I could start crocheting again. It will take a few more short sessions at that task before it's safe to get a project out but I'm looking forward to it again for the first time since the phone call. But in the meantime the activity of putting the area in order is itself helping like a positive feedback loop in which creating order in the outer realm creates order in the inner which leads to being able to envision and enact more order in the outer and so on and so on.
One of the things that helped me cope though the summer months after the devastating breakup with Ed followed by Mom's stroke was the sorting and organizing project I worked on which I've not returned to since getting the news of his death September 28. I think I need to get back on track with that. Starting with finding places out of sight to store the things I brought back from his place until they are no longer such emotional triggers.
The possibility of dehydration was raised for me several times in the past week even before I speculated about it somewhat facetiously in Sunday's post. I have been addressing that.
When I described the wee hours foot cramps waking me up to my cousin she told me it was dehydration and deficiency in magnesium and potassium and gave me some tablets to tide me over until I could send for my own. I've not had another episode yet so there's that....
I've found solace in journaling and working on my NaNo novel even tho I can't distract myself from the grief triggers with it because it was designed to give me the space to process the grief the best way I know how and that is by writing. It's more constructive than crying, yes but that isn't why it helps.
Whenever my emotional state gets so chaotic that all I can do is cry or worse, numb down and stare into space for hours, that is the result of my having lost the ability to organize my reality with words. I believe this issue is second only to the sleep deprivation in stabilizing my moods and keeping me grounded.
One activity I've actually enjoyed throughout this ordeal is sharing episodes of the old sitcom Family Affair with my Mom at dinner on most evenings she is home. This involves me setting up my Kindle Fire with an external speaker so she can listen as I stream off Amazon. I will pause every time she she can't understand the dialog or the visuals are needed to understand the story to explain the scene to her. Thus it takes us 35 to 40 minutes to watch the 25 minute episodes. (For those new or needing a refresher: Mom and I have the same degenerative eye disease, RP, but hers is 24 years more advanced than mine.)
I've actually been surprised by laughter while watching Family Affair and have experienced joy in witnessing Mom's enjoyment. I get a kick out of it when she 'gets' the joke and laughs after I've described the visual elements that put the extra kick into the humor. Sebastian Cabot as Mr. French has the most amazing facial expressions.
Having my blog subtitle be 'story is my joy' is not a casual tag line. It is the pure truth and I know that reading, writing, watching or listening to story of all kinds is a source of joy and healing for me and a must to make room for in my daily life. I am determined to have my video marathon this weekend while Mom is gone.
I am also eager to return to serious reading. I've managed to read a bit every day but it amounts to less than 5% of what was normal for me. Getting lost in the story requires a focus I've not been able to maintain.
I am really looking forward to picking up the crochet hook again. It is hard to believe it has been nearly two months. I know that the rhythmical motion is soothing as is the steady creation of structure out of a string. Without that rhythmical motion of crocheting I've devolved into more obvious autistic behaviors like rocking and swaying in my chair, tapping my fingers or small objects against myself or other objects, nodding my head like I'm listening to music when I'm not and tapping the tip of my tongue against the roof of my mouth.
Another way I can get the rhythmical motion is by getting on my mini-tramp and that has many other benefits to physical and mental health. I've known for awhile that I need to do that and keep putting it off.
Yet another coping tool I've known to help in the past is classical music. Beethoven, Bach and Mozart are the three I can name right off that I've experienced significant mental and emotional relief after listening to them. The most helpful of all was Beethoven's 9th symphony and especially the 4th movement known as Ode to Joy. I once called that my personal anthem. It has been awhile since I listened to it. Past time.
OK that is plenty of coping schemes to get me started and it is past time I post this and get to bed.
1 tell me a story:
Grief is such a funny and hard business to be in the middle of. I deal with peoples grief all the time in my job, and it never shows up the same way twice and those triggers never go away completely.
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