Sunday Serenity - Wallowing - ROW80 & NaNoWriMo Goals
Ten Years In - 1989 |
Ten Years Out- 2009 |
I rejoined ROW80 last round after a several year hiatus. I found as expected that it was invaluable in my efforts to process the grief over loosing hope in the viability of my marriage and essentially the loss of the companionship of my best friend. One might think the last four months of grieving was a head start on what I'm faced with now but I'm not so sure. Tho the mental and emotional sorting out I accomplished in that time may contribute to the sorting out going forward, I'm not feeling one whit better prepared for this blow just because I'd already begun the work of disconnecting myself emotionally from him to protect myself from the repercussions of his unacknowledged alcoholism.
For one thing it was a reluctant choice. I drug myself kicking and screaming internally into that choice. And in order to accomplish the goal I had to harden my heart some just to cope with my days. I had to break my addiction of thinking/fretting about him 24/7 so I practiced distracting myself with projects, chores, reading, writing, crocheting, sorting and organizing stuff and binge-watching videos and social networking. This worked for the waking hours but left me vulnerable in the moments I lay down to sleep and first woke each day. So I implemented the practice of a meditation in which I held him in Light and Love during those times.
It seemed to be working too. Right up until a week ago Friday morning when I woke from the dream I related in this post: In Memorium: Go Forth Ed and Be in Peace. That shook me so deep it rocked me right back into nearly constant thought of him no matter what I tried to distract myself with. But it was different than before. There was none of the fretting and anxiety provoked nightmare scenarios playing out in my thoughts. Instead I had been catapulted into the past and reliving memories of the early years. The time when our happiness shed a light so bright it kept the looming shadows at bay until they gathered enough strength to overwhelm us.
I was frustrated with myself for loosing my grip on 'the plan' to learn to recreate my life without Ed in it. Something I'd never tried to imagine since 1977. I wondered if the dream Friday morning had been triggered by the extra time I spent thinking about him and composing a email in my mind that I never wrote to wish him happy birthday. Or the Happy Birthday I dropped in fb messenger and checked several times over the rest of that day to see if he'd seen it. He never did. Unless he spotted it in notifications without opening chat.
Then just after 2pm last Monday I got the news. And everything has devolved since then. It was slow at first. The crying jags were brief and not too frequent. My distraction tactics seemed to work to bring it under control. Except at bedtime. I didn't sleep Monday night as every attempt to pass the hypnogogic stage bounced me back out. I could not afford to let sleep deprivation get an inroad on my life again so I resorted to the crutch of Trazadone Tuesday night.
But wary of getting addicted again I skipped it Wednesday night and again did not sleep so I took it again Thursday. I haven't taken it all weekend because Mom has resumed her weekend visits to my brother's so I gave myself permission to wallow. To allow myself to feel the feelings and remember the memories and spend time gazing at pictures and processing my new reality and practice holding him in Light and Love.
It was the realization of the finality that contributed to how hard this hit me. It was the final blow to the secret hope I'd been harboring even from myself. I hadn't yet begun to believe it was really over. And now it didn't matter whether I believed it or not.
I think in the long run it is better than repressing it all and putting on a front. But I can't afford all these sudden crying jags and long silent weeping spells and spotty sleep while Mom is home and she is due any moment. She'll be heading straight to bed though and I plan to be ready for bed soon after that and I will take the Trazadone.
I came very close to passing on prepping this post but I was afraid it would lead to passing on ROW80 altogether. I actually felt myself teetering that way in my thoughts. A kind of 'what's the point' fatalism. I decided that risk was too high, that I needed the symbolic power of proceeding to set my feet back on the path that gives my life meaning. That is the only thing that will preserve the progress I've made over the past year.
A Round of Words in 80 Days Round 4 2020 The writing challenge that knows you have a life |
NaNoWriMo 2020 |
2020 Round 4 ROW80 and NaNo goals:
1 tell me a story:
One widow to another, I grieve with you. I lost my husband of 20 years to pancreatic cancer early in 2018. He was also my best friend.
I miss him deeply - but in many ways, I'm happier and more peaceful now. We had a good relationship, but there were things that were always going to be issues between us.
I hope you will come to a place where you can cherish the good in that connection and in him, and find the good, too, in your post-married life.
Post a Comment