Monday, April 15, 2013

Penalty Box

I committed a major infraction against my stated commitments last night by loosing track of time and staying up past dawn and getting less than three hours of sleep this morning.  My husband caught me at it when he saw my online dot lit up green on gmail when he logged in this morning.  His email only said he hoped that meant I'd just walked away from the computer leaving browser opne and was really already sleeping.  But he knows me well enough to suspect that wasn't so.

So when we Skyped this evening he called me on it.  I'd already confessed in my own email and expressed my chagrin and admitting that I blew it big time.  It's been a long time since I did that.  I'm trying to think when the last time was and I'm pretty sure it was over a month ago.

I paid a heavy price for it today too.  My anxiety levels were high again and frustration tolerance low.  Mistakes, fumbles and attention issues abounded.  My sister asked me at 2pm if I'd been tending to meds, nutrition and water intake yet today and I had not.  I had not left my seat at the computer since sitting down with coffee before noon. i could have easily sat there another three hours if she'd not interrupted me.  I skipped my workout today as well.

This evening via Skype Ed reminded me how important it was to my health and to our relationship that I continue to stay on track taking care of myself.  He emphasized that my mood issues and sleep cycle were as concerning to him as his heavy smoking was to me.  This was in the context of him having just told me that he had settled on the E-cig product he wanted to use and planned to buy his starter kit tomorrow.  This was huge.  So huge I can't find words and I tear up just thinking about it.  I've been that worried about him for that long.  So his asking me to see that my sleep cycle and mood issues were the equivalent for him gives me no wiggle room.

Not that I had been trying to wiggle.  I'd already expressed how I felt that I'd blown it, let him down, broke my commitment and so forth. I felt like someone, I imagine, who's on a 12 step program and had just earned their 30 day coin and then fell off the wagon.  It was the same kind of commitment with similar life, health and relationship consequences.

Ed wasn't trying to rub it in or pull Mr Boss on me.  He was actually exercising one of his own new skills in communicating--letting me know in the moment when he feels that a boundary has been crossed instead of harboring resentment and anxiety and then withdrawing into his shell.  So I'm quite proud of him and how far he has come on his own path since Valentine's week.

My commitment to him this evening was to make up for last night by an extra early bed time tonight.  I said I'd try for no later than midnight.  It is now 10pm and I think after I publish this I'll compose my 'good morning' email for him and then take my meds and go to bed.

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