Friday, April 19, 2013

Please Forgive Me

After several weeks of what felt like sustained progress on the mood and self management fronts I have had a massive set back in the last two days. A major meltdown. Probable cause? I've lost count of the number of nights in the past week I've not taken my meds on time and still been awake as dawn tints the sky with grey. Add those to the nights that I did take the meds yet slept fitfully waking frequently with startle reactions to hypnogogic images and then laying there with anxiety washing through me like storm surf. What that adds up to is significant sleep deprivation which is both cause and effect--an endless feedback loop. and as i write this line it is 6 am Saturday. and I've been awake since 7am Friday. i'm not likely to be asleep before I hit the 24 hour mark. So another colossal failure on my commitment to the new regime of meds and self management that needs to be in place before I can rejoin my husband even if by some miracle the financial aspects suddenly resolved to provide home and healthcare.

1 tell me a story:

Jamie 4/20/2013 5:34 PM  

Joy, please do not let your guilt and shame stop you from trying again. I fail all the time. My body becomes an asshole and right now it is at one of those places. Changing our brain patterns of what we are used to is not something that can take only 21 days or even 6 months. It takes at least a year and one of the loops in your head is to forgive yourself and let these experiences go so you can try something else that works. That is what I am working on for myself at this moment. Things don't stay the same, we make mistakes, we are not always mindful of what needs to get done, but we do have the ability to say I am sorry, I forgive myself for my mistakes and then move on to something that will work for us. Maybe you can set an alarm on your computer or watched or something to remind you that it is time to take your medication and that could help you.

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