The Tyranny of Memories #ROW80 #NaNoWriMo
 |
| Ed & I Embarking This Night 1978 |
This season between September and February is a minefield of memories that tyrannize me with explosive emotions. Emotions that tear-N-eyes me. This year tho that minefield will extend past Valentine's Day to our last sleepover mid March, the event in late May that destroyed my hope followed by June 7, the day I informed him I was done face-to-face as I retrieved my belongings from his apartment.
If not for what happened in late September, my year of anniversaries would be over June 7, 2021. Which puts me at the halfway point right about now. But instead the round of 'anniversaries' reset on September 28, the day I learned his body had been found. So I'm back at the beginning and it is all still too fresh and raw to talk about coherently.
Being willing to walk away from a marriage is not the same thing as being willing to be a widow. The complex of emotions around that is so tangled and thorny I can't touch it with words yet.
I spent the month of November processing via writing and re-reading posts, journals and emails and living in my memories. If not for my NaNo project being tied in to it I may not have kept it at such an intense level on a daily basis for this long. Based on my history of processing things in this way, I expect there will be a positive payoff in the future for the intensity of the work I did in October and November but I also recognize that I can't keep that intensity up indefinitely going forward.
So I'll be backing off some and over the next few days do some thinking on how that will translate as to my ROW80 goals. My actual goals as stated at the start of the round do not depend on me continuing to work with the triggering material once NaNo finished. So it is primarily a matter of choosing a new project for the wordcount.
