Giving Myself Grace -- ROW80 Check-In

 

A Round of Words in 80 Days
Round 3 2023

The writing challenge that
 knows you have a life

I didn't readjust my goals after the fallout from last week's fall.  But I did readjust my expectations, thinking it might be more motivating to see a couple 'NOPE' next to a few goal items for a week or two than the sense of complete failure of the project if I were to eliminate the goal.  I will re-assess next weekend.

Truthfully, I think the pain fallout from the fall last week is now minimal and I probably should have given at least one of those tasks a try both yesterday and today.  My excuse was that I was OCD on that baby blanket crochet project.  The twins were due on the 13th but were actually born on the 1st.  I had set this weekend as my finish goal and that goal took a hit from the fall as well.  But I was already behind before the fall.  Sigh.

I might have had time for both the crochet and the NaNo and ROWer goals today if I hadn't slept until 11 am waking into a room already registering 80 degrees as I forgot to shut the windows the first time I got up after dawn.

I had also slept 11 hours so was dehydrated and trapped in dreamworld for hours after I got up.  Morning pages took me nearly an hour instead of the usual 35-40 minutes.  Yet I was grateful for the sleep as I'd become quite sleep deprived after the pain cycles from last Monday's fall prevented me from catching up after the marathon post prep sessions last weekend.

I believe it is an aspect of my autism that I remain trapped in my right brain for hours after waking.  The longer I slept the longer it takes for language and logic to come online.  'Trapped' is not the word I would choose if societal expectations did not make communication such a MUST so that from my earliest memories there have been oodles of shaming associated with it.

Because I actually like that morning mind.  Because that is when I feel the most Me and that is where my stories are born.

Also when language and logic come back online so does anxiety.  And so does My Stella.

Overall I'm OK with how I did this week in light of the fall.  Not exactly pleased but I'll give myself a C.  Most of that for not giving up entirely.  Some of it for the insights that have helped me give myself grace and note where minor adjustments to expectations can possibly have big results.

For example: Why do I assume in that picture in my mind of accomplishing a daily goal that it has to be done in one go?  Both of the goals that involve potentially long computer sessions could be done in smaller bites until I regain my stamina.  Even if only to get up and move for two minutes every fifteen minutes.  Two minutes is not enough time to switch the channels in my brain so that I risk loosing the momentum or even forgetting to return to it because my attention has been swallowed by another project.

These attention issues are another aspect of my autism.  I have extreme difficulty transitioning from one task or topic to another.  But once engaged in a task I tend to stay with it until it is finished or something forces me to stop.  Physical limitations as I age no longer allow me to stay engaged in a single task for the 12 to 24 hours that were common in my twenties and thirties.  But 6 to 10 hours are still common since I moved into my own place two years ago.

So my takeaway is that I need to start imagining myself accomplishing the goals in ways that might look and feel different from how I used to do it.  Imagining is where it all begins for me.  I am a visual thinker.  That doesn't quite say it either.  Visual yes but visual like a hologram ala Star Trek rather than a still image.

ROW80 Round 3 Goals:

• Morning pages daily.  Average 40 minutes (ala Julia Cameron The Artist Way and Writing For Life) YES
• Storydreaming with notebook for noting ideas for characters or scenes. (ala Robert Owen Butler From Where You Dream)  30 minutes per day NOPE (Lot of storydreaming. No notebook.  I misplaced the one I used to use for this and was reluctant to start a new one but I think I need to be less fussy.  The notebook is the key to this goal as without it the storydreams go to the same place night dreams go an hour after waking)
• Working on the Fruits of the Spirit (aka FOS) Storyworld Bible at least 30 minutes per day at least 5 days per week.  I'm sure this will expand as I get involved but I need to set a minimum for that jumpstart. NOPE (residual neck and shoulder pain from the fall made it difficult to sit at the computer for more than a few minutes at a time)
• Weekly Artist Date (ala Julia Cameron)  This is about doing something to recharge your creative battery.  I'll go into more detail in one of the check-ins. YES (went to game day at social center of my villa last Tuesday)
• A minimum of 5 minutes of physical activity.  Either a walk outside with my caregiver or a session on my mini-tramp, or pacing the floor between front and back door. YES
• I want to reengage with my blog so: Two blog posts per week besides the two check-ins. One about encountering other people's stories via print, video or audio which can include formal reviews.  The other about a current fiber art WIP or about one of my personal challenges: widowhood, independent living with visual impairment and autism and issues related to health and aging among them.  NOPE  (same as above: working on the computer triggers the pain)