Giving Myself Kudos - ROW80 Check-In

 

A Round of Words in 80 Days
Round 3 2023

The writing challenge that
 knows you have a life

I am at the moment managing to fight my natural inclination to see failure at one part as failure of the whole.  But if I squint at it, I can see there has been incremental progress towards the goals.  But more important than those baby steps is the resilience I've shown by getting back up and pressing on even after an actual physical fall.  In the past I would have seen that fall as proof that my aspirations were born of pride.

"Pride goeth before a fall." 

That was one of both my parent's and both of my Mom's parents' favorite aphorisms aka Bible verses.  So that was drummed into me in childhood and I took it to heart.  So much so that every setback and every obstacle I encountered after stepping outside the box sent me cowering back inside for days or weeks or months or years.  And if the event was an actual physical fall--well there was no way and no point in trying to argue with God's word, right?

This is the first time that I didn't just fall or jump back into the box and stay put after a setback.  This is the first time I was able to hang onto the dream and stand back up and turn my back on the box and choose to neither give up nor hold myself to the high expectations expressed in my intentions.  I was able to both keep the goals list intact as aspiration as I allowed for the natural fallout from the fall to take its course and learned to see the small triumphs as proof that I was on the right path while the failures, instead of looming as ominous signs of impending judgement on my pridefulness, were like small shadows cast by pebbles.

I cannot overstate how HUGE this is.  This is monumental.  This means that I have managed to deconstruct one of the many doctrines that my infant mind was programed with, one that was reinforced daily for over 30 years.  The absence of the feelings of guilt and unworthiness that used to follow these setbacks is an astonishing thing to observe.  It is like probing for that rotten tooth that was there as you fell asleep but upon waking you find only empty space where there had been mind numbing pain.

So that is what I'm giving myself kudos for along with the successes reflected in the goals list below.  The two things in that list that I have yet to give any time to are calling to me tho and if not for having committed to the read-a-thon this weekend I'd state my intent right here to attend to them before Sunday check-in.  But I don't see a realistic path to do both the thon and spend time in my story files or storydreaming.

Unless.

Ummm.  Is this too much?  Could I spend a couple hours of the read-a-thon reading my own stories?

Hmmm.  I need to let that percolate for a bit.  But the fact that I did not immediately dismiss it as hubris asking for another knock down is immensely profound.

ROW80 Round 3 Goals:

• Morning pages daily.  Average 40 minutes (ala Julia Cameron The Artist Way and Writing For Life) YES
• Storydreaming with notebook for noting ideas for characters or scenes. (ala Robert Owen Butler From Where You Dream)  30 minutes per day NOPE (Lot of storydreaming. No notebook.  I misplaced the one I used to use for this and was reluctant to start a new one but I think I need to be less fussy.  The notebook is the key to this goal as without it the storydreams go to the same place night dreams go an hour after waking)
• Working on the Fruits of the Spirit (aka FOS) Storyworld Bible at least 30 minutes per day at least 5 days per week.  I'm sure this will expand as I get involved but I need to set a minimum for that jumpstart. NOPE (still having residual neck and shoulder pain from the fall that is triggered by sitting at the computer for more than a few minutes at a time)
• Weekly Artist Date (ala Julia Cameron)  This is about doing something to recharge your creative battery.  I'll go into more detail in one of the check-ins. YES (went to visit an hour or so with my 91 year old mom.)
• A minimum of 5 minutes of physical activity.  Either a walk outside with my caregiver or a session on my mini-tramp, or pacing the floor between front and back door. YES
• I want to reengage with my blog so: Two blog posts per week besides the two check-ins. One about encountering other people's stories via print, video or audio which can include formal reviews.  The other about a current fiber art WIP or about one of my personal challenges: widowhood, independent living with visual impairment and autism and issues related to health and aging among them.  ALMOST  (50% there as I put up the first of two posts yesterday about getting my reading mojo back and announcing the Reverse Readathon this weekend and of course I'll be blogging the thon from Friday at 5PM until Saturday at 5PM so on Sunday's check-in I'll be able to say a full YES to this)