Blue

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Not having a good day. Did not finish The Story of Edgar Sawtelle in time to participate in the Oprah.com webcast with the author this evening. I wore my eyes out trying, reading over two hundred pages in the last twenty-four hours, but I still had over 100 to go when it was time to log in to the webcast. I logged in anyway but never put the earbuds in my ears to listen in. I sat beside my silenced laptop and continued to read, glancing up at the screen every now and then to see the visuals of the intense discussion going on.

I'll get to see in once they put it in archives later this week. Or at least I'm assuming they will do that again as they have with previous webcasts. But it won't be qiute the same as being part of the live event. Even though I'm always just a lurker--just listening and watching--it still feels so powerful to know you are participating in a discussion with thousands of people in dozens of countries around the world--everyone of whom has been profoundly impacted by the same story. It won't be the same watching the recording but at the last minute I decided that maintaining the integrity of the experience of reading the story to the end without the spoilers and the outside influence on my own reaction to the story was more important.

Part of what is bumming me today is having had to face the limitations of my vision issues as I pushed beyond the comfort zone into the distress zone and realized that this is probably the best I can hope for seeing how motivated I was and how hard I was trying and then comparing my results with what I used to do and with my current ambitions. I sat up reading all night last night from eleven Sunday night to eight Monday morning. The last hour or so I had been using the visor magnifier that I use for fine needlework and it was making me motion sick.

There are other things adding to my mood. I think I'm homesick. Missing Ed and Merlin. Missing my routine. Missing my large tracks of time for contemplation, research, daydreaming and writing. I've no place to be alone here without fear of interruption except in the bathroom and out on my mini-tramp. Which all wouldn't be so bad if I felt that I was actually being useful. But I'm feeling like I'm not contributing enough to compensate for the extra work my being here adds to my sister's agenda.

It probably didn't help that I didn't go out on the tramp today. I procrastinated too long and it got dark and the evening family routines kicked in--helping with dinner prep and cleanup is one of the things I contribute. A tramp workout might have helped alleviate my mood but I didn't think of it that way at the time I was just feeling lethargic about it. Unmotivated.

Then there was the bad news I got from home when I talked to Ed Sunday afternoon. Dizzy the kitten that adopted the family there last summer, hiding under the porch until Merlin coaxed her out, and then winning our hearts with her antics, was found dead under the rose bushes Saturday afternoon. Not a mark on her.


For more about Dizzy and the joy she brought us click the photo or her name.