Friday, January 09, 2009

Friday Forays In Fiction: Unmeetable Expectatios

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These Friday posts are supposed to be either a snippet of my own fiction or observations on aspects of writing fiction. I've got nothing for this week other than the observation that sometimes one has to just give oneself a break. Or at least I'm trying to convince myself that that observation is not just a weasel out of a commitment, a lazy cop out, yet another betrayal of my dream, and more proof that I must not want it bad enough or I'd find a way.

Not only do I not have anything of substance prepared for this post but in the accompanying weekly check-in regarding my progress (or lack thereof) with my NaNo novel Mobile Hopes which I committed to stay engaged with through July 09 right here in a Friday Forays post as NaNo was finishing up--I have to confess having dropped that ball entirely for a full two weeks. Not that I have stopped thinking, planning and dreaming the story but that I haven't touched the story's files since the Friday after Christmas.

I am trying really hard not to flaggelate myself raw over this. I do have a tendancy to set my expectations of myself too high and then punish myself for not meeting them. The judge, jury and executioner in my mind hold court continuously, showing ample proof of my undeservedness of mercy. I think I may loose track of the line between fiction and non-fiction when I am establishing my expectations.

I know there are extenuating circumstances--the trip prep and the travel, the settling in at my Mom's, the emotional stress accompanying all of that, the disruption of routine, the sleep deprivation. All of which contibutied to the moment I kicked the dishwasher door on New Years Eve--the first time my sister took a few hours off to hang with a friend, leaving me in charge--and landed myself in the neigboring recliner six days later because I had not bothered to properly care for my severely burised shin.

But I also know my propensity to never again pick up a ball that I've dropped. When my attention shifts off it whether by force of events or pull of other attractions, it is extremely hard to get refocused. Two weeks is a long time to be away from a story's files even if the story is still haunting my mind. And even though the story's attraction is still strong I know I can't depend on that to hold in the face of the drama and chaos of this household without a focused effort to carve a space for it.

So I simply can't let another week go by with zero engagement with the files of Mobile Hopes. But neither can I take my eyes off other crucial balls. Somewhere there is a balance. Isn't there?

0 tell me a story:

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